Whispers In My Mind

When you are not earning, just living off someone's money... maybe you are a desperate person! But if that someone is your spouse, sworn to be with during better or worse moments in life... are you still desperate?

My husband's salary is a hundred folds more than all my salary combined from 2 different companies.  he is the provider, but is that not normal for married couple? Is it not normal for the husband to earn while the wife takes care of the house? So why then do I feel I'm so low???

Maybe it's because I don't have a job now. Probably  it's because I don't have the looks. Possibly, it's because I don't have the confidence. "Blame it on the rain, blame it on the stars... but whatever you do, don't put the blame on you."

Being ignored, insulted and taken for granted, these are actually factors that can cause one to question their self worth. Honestly, my confidence is so low right now that I can actually hear the whispers of the devils from hell. I can feel them slowly luring me to depression. Slowly, I am soaking in the insults. Slowly, I am believing that life is worth ending.

But then,  I hear the laughter of my daughter.  I hear the voice of a true friend. I hear the voice of the one who gave me life. HIS voice is encouraging me to hang on because life is worth living.

Quickly, I rise. Quickly, I stand to battle the depression inside me. As I take and live each day as step for a new life, I still sometimes hear the alluring whispers of being unworthy, but HIS voice is much louder than the whisper. HIS voice leads me to a new path with HIS light.

New Year+ New Resolution = New Life > Old One!!!

Another year... another chance given by GOD to correct the mistakes done in the past.
Last year was hell for me, obviously my previous blog entries proved that! I swear, I was a bum (no need for sugar coating) for almost 6 months. When asked why I was not working, I gave all positive reasons I can positively (wink wink) think of: “I'm taking time off from work” or “I want to focus on my family this time” or "Getting some much needed time to focus on myself". But the truth is: I am just scared!

If there was one huge mistake in my career life that I regret, it was leaving my previous company (JOB A) for another that I did not completely researched about (JOB B). As you all have read by now, I  am working, or worked for, a call center company (JOB A) for 8 years! Realizing it just a little too late, I was blessed to be working for JOB A. Salary was more than I have demanded for, hours were flexible, environment was nice. and most importantly, I had a smart and compassionate boss. But fool that I am, I didn't appreciate that blessing. I wanted more for my career, so I thought.

I applied and got another job (JOB B). I was deceived by the position title and believed it to  be higher than my current position. It was later I realized, the position title didn't exactly match with the job responsibilities.  Working hours, office environment, assigned tasks, and most especially my new supervisor were a huge disappointment. I could create another blog just for what i experienced working with my new boss. To say that the job stinks would have been a compliment. Less than 3 months, it was no surprised, I resigned. After this, I never took the time nor effort to find another job... even until now.

Honestly, I'm scared! I feel that I am longer qualified for another job within my experience. I could get another job easily in a call center, but that would take me back to square one: agent position.

This year I am setting goals for myself.
*To enter a law school: I longed to become a lawyer. Its a hidden dream that I was always to scared to pursue. But this year, I promise myself that I would study and take up law. I will not let my age intimidate me as well. Tomorrow, I will be taking the Ateneo entrance exams. I have not polished my Mathematical skills nor studied for this test... but I am confident that I will pass the exams! How? Why? What? I don't know! I just know I will.
*To get a part time job: This is actually tricky! My pride will  not allow me to accept any position that may take me back to square one.But I am well aware that I need an income to support my personal expenses!
*To finish my clearance: This has been long over due!
*To take up Japanese and Korean language: My husband is Japanese and I need to learn the language. I love Korean TV Dramas.
*To take up photography and video course: My GOD! I have so long wanted this! I certainly hope I can do this!

Lets see how many goals I'll be achieving this year!